JEFF PROBST: Previously, on Survivor 3.01: The Yukon: The Tribes merged, and chose ‘Rowsdower’ as their new name. Georgia won Immunity, and Mickey informed Glen that he would be voted out at the next Tribal Council. Glen received eight votes, and was voted out of the Yukon, as expected. However, Mickey got the remaining two votes.
MICKEY: Well, this really pisses me off. Irritates me. I figure Glen voted for me; now I have to find out who the other rat was. I’m going to smoke ‘em out, and cut their head off. Decapitate them.
[Mickey’s prime suspect is Melissa.]
MELISSA: …It wasn’t me. …I mean, I really wanted to vote for you, Mickey, but I promised I’d vote for Glen.
MICKEY: You’ve never lied to me, Melissa. Lying is a sin, do you understand?
MELISSA: …I swear on my “parents” lives, and on my “grandmother” Lucinda, I didn’t vote for you.
MICKEY: What’s with the air quotes?
MELISSA: … How about this: I didn’t vote for you, you weirdo.
MICKEY: OK, if you say so.
[Mickey questions the others, getting pretty much the same response. Finally, only Georgia is left.]
MICKEY: Well, I’ve talked to everyone else, except you, Georgia. Interrogated them. And they all say the same thing: they didn’t vote for me. Which can only mean one thing.
GEORGIA: What’s that?
MICKEY: One of them is lying. Not telling the truth.
GEORGIA: I guess that could be true.
MICKEY: Well, when I find out who it is, heads are gonna roll. Across the lawn and up on the porch. Through the front door, and into the armoire.
[Later]:
NEIL: OK, I’ve been wondering about something for a while now.
TORGO: What’s… THAT… Neil?
NEIL: We’ve been here three weeks, and what have we been eating all this time?
RUBY: Canned goods?
NEIL: The canned goods ran out after a week.
MELISSA: … Fish?
NEIL: That’s plausible, but has anyone caught any fish? Has anyone seen us eating fish?
EULABELLE: No, come to think of it, we haven’t.
NEIL: This is either a gaping hole in the storyline, or else…
TORGO: We’ve… FORGOTTEN… to… EAT… for two… WEEKS!
ROGER: Damn it, boy! Suddenly, Ah’m hungry, Ah tell yew what!
GEORGIA: I’m hungry, too, now that you mention it.
MR. B NATURAL: We’re all hungry. What’ll we do?
NEIL: OK, I have an idea. The production camp is only about two miles from here, and they’re throwing away enough food to feed us like kings. I say we pull a little commando raid, under cover of darkness…
TORGO: And… STEAL… their… GARBAGE? The… MASTER… would not… BE… pleased.
NEIL: If you’re talking about that simp Probst, just leave him to me.
TORGO: Actually, I… WAS… referring to… PUBLIC… opinion.
[Jeff Probst suddenly appears, leading two caribou on a rope.]
JEFF PROBST: We figured something like this would happen eventually, so we have a better idea in mind. What we’ll do is, we’ll give you these two caribou, and then take you into the village to barter them for whatever you can get. Such as food.
GEORGIA: Why bother? What do you think the Inuit are going to do with these animals? Two seconds after we sell them, they’ll be hanging on a meat hook.
MICKEY: Yeah, why not just let us slaughter the beasts? Cut out the middle man. Direct to consumer.
JEFF PROBST: Because if we did that, thousands of irate viewers would write in, saying, “Ooooh… they’re killing animals for entertainment! For shame! I’m disgusted, and I won’t buy any more Doritos and Mountain Dew! Ooooooh!”.
RUBY: So it’s OK to watch a bunch of well-fed Americans slowly starving to death, for entertainment?
JEFF PROBST: Now you’re getting it. Besides, what about the life-enriching experience of meeting the Inuit people indigenous to this region, and seeing how they live? Anyone?
[The question is met with indifference.]
JEFF PROBST: Well, somebody’s going. OK, to save time, we’ve decided to send Torgo and Mickey in with the animals. But the rest of you, if you have any personal items you’d like to add to the pot, here’s your chance.
MR. B NATURAL: Well, I just have this flute, which nobody wants to play.
NEIL: I guess I don’t really need my dog tags out here.
RUBY: I’ve got some exotic lingerie, which doesn’t really fit me anymore, I’ve lost so much weight.
JEFF PROBST: Now you’re talking! How about you, Eulabelle?
EULABELLE: Well, I’ve got this here voodoo doll, but I don’t really want to part with it. I have these old chicken feet, though.
MICKEY: I guess I can throw in my “über spoon”. Everyone made fun of it. Laughed at it.
JEFF PROBST: All right! Looks like you’re ready to… GO!
[Torgo, Mickey, and the caribou are driven into the nearby Inuit village.]
TORGO: I say… WE… get… RID… of these… ANIMALS… as… QUICKLY… as possible.
MICKEY: Well, there’s a butcher’s just down the street. Three doors down.
TORGO: No, that’s too… FAR. Let’s just… SELL… them to the… FIRST…guy we see.
INUIT MAN #1: Hey! You want to sell those caribou?
MICKEY: Yes. We want to sell them. Exchange them for tangible assets.
INUIT MAN #1: I give you $20.
TORGO: EACH?
INUIT MAN #1: For both. Take it or leave it.
MICKEY: What do you think, Torgo?
TORGO: Sounds… FAIR.
[The trade is completed, and the man leads the animals down the street.]
MICKEY: They’re gone. I think we could have held out for more. Negotiated.
TORGO: Yes, but we’re… UP… $20… on the… DEAL.
INUIT MAN #2: You have $20? I take you to finest restaurant, you have great time!
MICKEY: Lead on, my good man. We’ll follow you.
[The second man leads them across the street, to the local eating establishment: a lunch counter with three stools. The man takes his place behind the counter.]
TORGO: Is this… YOUR… place?
INUIT MAN #2: Sure. I’m owner. Also cook, waiter, busboy, and dishwasher. What you want to eat?
MICKEY: Can we see a menu? The bill of fare?
INUIT MAN #2: No menu. Blubber.
TORGO: We don’t… WANT… blubber.
INUIT MAN #2: Starbucks?
MICKEY: That sounds good. I’ll have a latte.
TORGO: Make… MINE… an espresso. WHAT… else… DO… you … HAVE… to eat?
INUIT MAN #2: Krispy Kremes?
[Mickey and Torgo both start drooling at the mention of the fried dough of the Gods. They’re enjoying the food, when a low rumble is heard.]
MICKEY: I hear something. A sound. What’s that noise?
TORGO: My… STOMACH… is not… USED… to such… FOOD. Excuse… me.
[Torgo dashes out of the restaurant to a nearby igloo, and returns after a few minutes.]
MICKEY: Dude. Are you sure that was a public lavatory?
TORGO: Well… It IS… one… NOW.
[Mickey and Torgo settle the bill, which runs about $18, and leave a $2 tip. With no money left, they set out to barter the items they brought. A crowd of curious locals gathers around them.]
MICKEY: Well, we have some nice merchandise here. Quality stuff. How about these dog tags? GI Joe.
INUIT WOMAN #1: What else you got?
TORGO: Chicken… BONES… from… VOODOO… priestess.
INUIT WOMAN #1: I’ll take them, if you throw in flute. Give you these mukluks.
MICKEY: Deal. Who wants these skanky fishnet stockings, worn by an American burlesque queen?
INUIT MAN #3: I’ll take ‘em. Need new fishnet. Give you these fishhooks.
TORGO: I guarantee… YOU’LL… catch… SOMETHING… with these. Crabs, perhaps.
MICKEY: How about this carved wooden spoon? We call it the “Über Spoon”.
INUIT WOMAN #2: Piece of junk. Man down the street selling beautiful flatware, carved from whalebone. Real craftsmanship. Practically giving it away.
MICKEY: That’s about all we have left. The rest is gone.
INUIT MAN #4: What about your friend’s hat?
TORGO: No, it’s… BEEN… in my… FAMILY… for generations.
INUIT MAN #4: Nice and greasy. Good waterproofing. Give you 5 kilos fresh caribou meat. Just come in today.
MICKEY: Give him your hat, Torgo.
TORGO: 10 kilos.
INUIT MAN #4: 7.
TORGO: Deal.
INUIT MAN #4: Meet me at butcher’s shop, five minutes.
MICKEY: Nice job, Torgo. Well done.
TORGO: Yes. The... MASTER… would APPROVE… of my… BARTERING… skills.
JEFF PROBST: And as the sun sets over the Yukon, Torgo and Mickey return to their camp, refreshed from their brief respite from the Game. But tomorrow brings another Immunity Challenge, and another Survivor will be voted out of the Yukon. We’ll see you next time, on Survivor!
Day 24
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